Don't Tell Me to "Move On"

Grief in the NY Times

Janice, Boston, September 29th, 2009, NY Times

"As a hospice nurse, I see grief each and every day. Anticipated grief and also grief after death, as we do make bereavment visits often. It is hard to always predict who will have prolonged grief and who will move forward. What I have found in my experinece is that parents with children who are dying have a very difficult time understanding each other's grief and are more prone to long term grief. That causes a lot of marriages to break down and even more trauma to the family. As you can imagine, they watch other children growing up and see their own deceased child as they would have grown. The pain can be unrelenting. Especially if the death was sudden.

Everyone grieves differently. I find that many of our bereaved clients feel abandoned by the medical comunity, their friends and many times, even their own families. It is if they feel boxed in by their grief and cannot find their way out. And certainly, the way out is to talk, talk and talk to people. And people just do not always want to hear it. When the bereaved go to the MD to say that they are having difficulty coping or difficulty sleeping, they are medicated. That may help one sleepless night, but it is not going to help long term.

Hospice provides wonderful support groups to the bereaved. Your loved one did not have to be a hospice patient for you to attend. Call a local hospice and ask to speak to the hospice bereavement coordinator and they can help. And it is free.

Death is not something our society embraces. It is really odd that we pretend that it could never happen to us. But it does and it will. I think that much of the problem lies in the fact that people, including family members, simply do not know what to say. So they are silent or try to change the subject. Here is some advice. Talk about the deceased. Don't worry that bringing them up will cause the bereaved more pain. The pain is always simmering. Talking about a loved one is a comfort many times. It proves they were important, that they have not been forgotten. Call a friend or family member on the anniversary of a death. Send flowers. Take them to a movie. Don't let them be alone. That is a tough day, even 10 years later. Hug them a lot. Try to understand that many times letting go of the grief feels like you are abandoning the deceased. Do not advise them to "move on". That is simply cruel.

These are questions the bereaved often ask themselves: If I am not feeling the pain or I allow myself to be happy, does that mean the death had no meaning? Shouldn't I be sad to prove my love? How can I be allowed to be happy when I have lost so much? How can I sing or dance or enjoy myself when my loved one is dead? If I move on, will I forget them and all that they have meant to me and will their lives have been meaningless? These are real questions that people struggle with every day. They do not articulate them. But they are always there in their minds each time they do anything. Be mindful of that. Respect that.

Grief is not that complicated. It hurts a lot, and it does goes on and on, some just simply cope better than others and some have learned how to hide it very well. Allowing people to grieve is the most important thing we can do. For however longs it takes."