I hide my identity. I know it sounds crazy that in this day and age, with Google being a verb, noun, and a crutch (that I frequently use), that I would try to limit the availability of information.
Here's how I think of it. I was talking to my father in law, who does things like Google his friends and family, and he had found my blog by searching Sophie and [husband's last name]. He found my blog that easy. I try for anonymity for several reasons. Too scared to share my thoughts with an actual account name stamped to them. I really don't want my employers or scholarly colleagues to find it and let it mar their impressions of me. But mainly I hide my identity to avoid those I used to know.
That sounds horrible. Even I think it is a very imperfect system of security. All or no one. Hmmm... At the moment, with my reputation as a mini-historian on the climb from the very roots up, I feel vulnerable. There are of course some people I would love to get in touch with. They don't know my real last name, just my old one that I still go by.
Plus, my writing is not for the audience that is my past. All in all, I've out grown that crowd. Just out grown it, just done. No malice. No spite. Some really good memories, but I'm always looking forward. Always looking to my future, writing for now, forgetting the ills of my past. I don't mean to "belabor" my point but, I don't want to talk to, see, hear, or know that certain peoples I used to be acquainted with at one point or another have cared to find, read, or investigate my whereabouts. Myspace killed anonymity. Facebook promotes continued mediocrity, though behind the facade of networking and friendships. Some people use those networks for their intended purpose, but anyone who has spent endless hours addictively searching for previous acquaintences knows my gripe. I don't need to know any of the information I find out, but yet, I look. Or I used to. I don't frequent those sites for that reason, as well as the sheer fact that my time is really valuable and goes down the drain with any network. My blog----- is not a friendship network. It is an outlet. I don't want any feedback!
This is why people have pen names. What could my pen name be? Sophie works for now. I doubt anyone reads this blog regularly, or ever for that matter. I'm not stupid though. I know my work is public. I share it very secretively. Those who are really interested would know how to find it... after some searching. I have four blogs, so there is little to show for my other works, besides this larger and longer blog I write.
I googled myself today... to make sure no one could find me easily. I laugh. Its funny because its true, and I bet you I am not the only one to be self conscious about what they post online. There is a sense of security knowing your work is just a grain of sand in the galaxy that is the internet. I also know that it is linking better than a universe, and some key searching techniques could lead someone to here, to me, to Sophie Edythe Grow.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Astonishing
I am listening to a book called, The Negro Magician and Mr. Sabastien, and it is rather good. The voices are great, they hold my attention without annoying me.
I am listening to Jason Mraz, Jonathan Coulton, Des'ree, and Blessed Union.
I'm reading Kindred and A Breath of Snow and Ashes. As well as all of my thesis material. The New York Times, everyday.
I watch Heroes, Lost, John and Kate Plus 8, 18 and counting, The Office, 30 Rock.
Why do I do all these things?
I typically don't write about specifics in my blogs.
Universe, I am tired. Give me the energy and enthusiasm to share what is bouncing around in my brain by putting it down on paper.
I am listening to Jason Mraz, Jonathan Coulton, Des'ree, and Blessed Union.
I'm reading Kindred and A Breath of Snow and Ashes. As well as all of my thesis material. The New York Times, everyday.
I watch Heroes, Lost, John and Kate Plus 8, 18 and counting, The Office, 30 Rock.
Why do I do all these things?
- to stay sane- I don't want to work all the time
- to pace myself- give myself a reason to sit down
- to kid myself- I have too much crap to get done, but I watch nonetheless
- to ignore myself- my own brain gets really loud
- to just realize life isn't all about the work
I typically don't write about specifics in my blogs.
- I'm pretty sure no one reads it
- I might know what I was talking about
- I would write novels
Universe, I am tired. Give me the energy and enthusiasm to share what is bouncing around in my brain by putting it down on paper.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Obama: Now is the Time to Act Boldly and Wisely
The trials of a soon to be graduate are those I am sure many are familiar with, and most lack experience with tackling. Obama promises to prepare graduates and students for the world job market and promises to raise the value of an education in a competitive world market. National service? Sure, I'll sign up. Yet I'm at the tail end, aren't I? I don't get the preparation, safety nets, the incentives. I fucking worked my butt off, and I made every minute count. I paid the price, and will be paying for many years. The train has passed for the chance to get tax credits for education, to serve.
No. I tell you, I am unprepared. I have faith in myself, in my destiny, and in the universe's nature of karma and caring for me when I need it most. Yet, this faith isn't cash. It doesn't absolve credit card debt, erase tens of thousands in school loans, or give me the necessary training to make me marketable for the job world. I will walk in blind fold on, feet first, hands behind my back, and a broad smile on my face just hoping that something will be good enough.
Where is my private jet? Where is my bonus? Do you know that I have always made less money than my husband? 2009 and I make .9o cents to his dollar. I don't blame him. I'm not begging for a jet or a bonus, I'm just pissed that I was responsible. I did it right, and yet here I am not much better off than a few years ago. Buying a home is not in my near future, and I can handle that. But there is a deep regret I have for not having more financial solvency or that I might have done more.
Obama is a great speaker, yes. He has a charming smile and sense of humor and humility. And he is a man of faith, a responsible father and husband, and an accountable man. Maybe he can change our world. I just hope that those changes are ones that are so woven into our identity that they are irreversible. The true nature of our government and constitution relies on the ability to change the laws and policies based on the opinion of the people. We are headed to a great era surely. But have no doubt that nothing is permanent, and it takes hard work.
I'm ready to work. I see the promise Obama sees in our nation. I will manage my personal economy with responsibility and transparency. Will there be a job for me? Will they take me on to work for them? Can I be a scholar? Or do I have to compromise my own dreams and settle for a decent wage? I have doubts about a Recovery plan, but I have hopes about Recovery. There are tough and grizzly ideologies which still cling to the skeleton of our Old America holding us back from a more perfect America. Men still dominate many spheres, including congress. I'm so tired of the Old way, and so many have faught for the privileges and rights we have today over centuries. In their honor, I too will push my way through, elbow my way forward and address the same tired issues with the new and fresh zeal of a new battalion of foot soldiers. I'm ready to serve. But is the world ready for me?
Obama is right. Even though I want to be carefully and modest in these unsure times, I know that is not American, that is not Sophie, and that is not a way to honor those who've gone before me. I committ to a financial responsibility I expect from others. I committ to the national service that serves me. I commit to the following my dreams, because it cannot wait, it must not wait... I have earned my degree. I will use my education to push those dreams forward, to adapt to the world's woes and challenges, while using my best qualities to serve others. There is selflessness that is necessary even when you don't have much to give, and I won't drown if I offer my help. In fact, I know my actions of charity will continue to pay me back and pay it forward, so that one day when I am down and out and need a hand, it will find me. I committ to bringing my passion to young Americans who have lacked the devotion or promotion of a quality education.
It is up to me, up to us to act boldly. To act swiftly. To act wisely. The lord be with me, the universe behind me, and the power of my strength within me. It is time to act.
No. I tell you, I am unprepared. I have faith in myself, in my destiny, and in the universe's nature of karma and caring for me when I need it most. Yet, this faith isn't cash. It doesn't absolve credit card debt, erase tens of thousands in school loans, or give me the necessary training to make me marketable for the job world. I will walk in blind fold on, feet first, hands behind my back, and a broad smile on my face just hoping that something will be good enough.
Where is my private jet? Where is my bonus? Do you know that I have always made less money than my husband? 2009 and I make .9o cents to his dollar. I don't blame him. I'm not begging for a jet or a bonus, I'm just pissed that I was responsible. I did it right, and yet here I am not much better off than a few years ago. Buying a home is not in my near future, and I can handle that. But there is a deep regret I have for not having more financial solvency or that I might have done more.
Obama is a great speaker, yes. He has a charming smile and sense of humor and humility. And he is a man of faith, a responsible father and husband, and an accountable man. Maybe he can change our world. I just hope that those changes are ones that are so woven into our identity that they are irreversible. The true nature of our government and constitution relies on the ability to change the laws and policies based on the opinion of the people. We are headed to a great era surely. But have no doubt that nothing is permanent, and it takes hard work.
I'm ready to work. I see the promise Obama sees in our nation. I will manage my personal economy with responsibility and transparency. Will there be a job for me? Will they take me on to work for them? Can I be a scholar? Or do I have to compromise my own dreams and settle for a decent wage? I have doubts about a Recovery plan, but I have hopes about Recovery. There are tough and grizzly ideologies which still cling to the skeleton of our Old America holding us back from a more perfect America. Men still dominate many spheres, including congress. I'm so tired of the Old way, and so many have faught for the privileges and rights we have today over centuries. In their honor, I too will push my way through, elbow my way forward and address the same tired issues with the new and fresh zeal of a new battalion of foot soldiers. I'm ready to serve. But is the world ready for me?
Obama is right. Even though I want to be carefully and modest in these unsure times, I know that is not American, that is not Sophie, and that is not a way to honor those who've gone before me. I committ to a financial responsibility I expect from others. I committ to the national service that serves me. I commit to the following my dreams, because it cannot wait, it must not wait... I have earned my degree. I will use my education to push those dreams forward, to adapt to the world's woes and challenges, while using my best qualities to serve others. There is selflessness that is necessary even when you don't have much to give, and I won't drown if I offer my help. In fact, I know my actions of charity will continue to pay me back and pay it forward, so that one day when I am down and out and need a hand, it will find me. I committ to bringing my passion to young Americans who have lacked the devotion or promotion of a quality education.
It is up to me, up to us to act boldly. To act swiftly. To act wisely. The lord be with me, the universe behind me, and the power of my strength within me. It is time to act.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Reaffirmation
For my own sanity, I de-stress by making a list. This list says things like, "I will get an A in that class."
When life has so many things that I can't seem to wrap my brain around, I say affirmative things. I tell the universe- "Hey you Universe! I will ___________" It is like a command. If I just believe it, it will come true. I do this because it is hard to believe enough for all the things I want. So when I focus all my energy on those statements they are like little text messages to the universe, to be executed and filed. Then I will forget. I will drop the worrying, drop the uncertainty. There is no room for low self-esteem if I don't think about it.
Universe, thanks for all that you give me.
When life has so many things that I can't seem to wrap my brain around, I say affirmative things. I tell the universe- "Hey you Universe! I will ___________" It is like a command. If I just believe it, it will come true. I do this because it is hard to believe enough for all the things I want. So when I focus all my energy on those statements they are like little text messages to the universe, to be executed and filed. Then I will forget. I will drop the worrying, drop the uncertainty. There is no room for low self-esteem if I don't think about it.
Universe, thanks for all that you give me.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Terror! Doom! Danger!
Just so you know, the world is on a path to destruction. I have long had a feeling of impending doom, the end of the world. I even took a class about the end of the world. I like learning and studying end of the world narratives. The world can end in many different ways. This blog is just a chance to go over those ways and contrast them with mainstream media's doom rhetoric.
1) A catastrophic apocalypse. Let's think not human planned, ordained, or orchestrated. This is unforeseeable for most scenarios ( unless you are in one of the many Hollywood dramas about asteroids headed to earth or core overheating, even then you only have 24 hours (actually 1.5 hours in film time)). Considering the paradox that the world hasn't actually ended and we have no actual frame of reference, it gets tricky when talking about the natural disasters, the asteroids, the earthquakes and all other catastrophic events.
2. Consider for a moment... what kind of "end of the world" do you envision? It is remarkable how many people believe the world will end while they are still alive. Some think it is full destruction, that is fatalistic and a form of nihilism. Some think it will go up in the flame and smoke of Armageddon to be purified and realized in a truer form. Some think that we are working everyday against the evil and towards an immediate spiritual wellness and balance of the world, without the big boom. Some think aliens will either cause the end or save us from it. Some think environment holocaust will melt us all in due time. Some prophesy the end through numbers, stars, calendars, personal possession of another entity, divine message, and signs all around us. Some think nuclear holocaust will melt us all, sound familiar? Some think God will judge us, deliver the good and punish the evil. There could be a flood, who knows, but that God did promise not to again. But there are other gods and Gods, so don't be fooled by the Euro-Christian version of the end days.
3. We hear about the end all the time!! The news today, which is what I like to call low-cal or low-content entertainment, it really could just flash some headlines in 5-10 minutes and be done with it. Yet we see the news drag on and on and on. Panel of experts here who give us no new or substantial views. Their rhetoric is all about speculation, skepticism, assuming the worst or most simplistic answers, and a kind of self deprecation/promotion that curtails either into elite egotism or purposeful self-victimization. Left and right, conservative and liberal, and they all sound alike. We are all familiar with it. The swishing noise of some terrifying slide coming into view, the voice over of dastardly and sensationalized visions of danger, terror, and dissolution. This is on all reputable stations, and it leaks into the minds of every person. I'm not considering a conspiracy. No, rather, this is a culture.
4. My end. My end is like the book Z for Zacharia. I read that book in 8th grade and it has always stuck with me. It was horrifying to read, to imagine. An uncertain holocaust, maybe nuclear, maybe environmental. It is deadly and has a contaminative quality. It spreads, but cannot clear away all life. Many die, in fact most die. Then people revert to homesteading, mistrust, and bartering. This means relying on people, but protecting yourself. Possessions that held value before, don't anymore. No electricity, that is until people get together and find a way to do it on a local level since infrastructure and power companies don't exist anymore. You grow your own food. Ride horses, motorcycles and bikes. Gas is there but scarce so you ration it. There are no zombies in my end. Just plain old people and lots of dead people. No government, nothing. We teach each other. No one was sterilized, so we can repopulate, carefully. We can become strict breeders, to ensure survival. Everyone has a gun, because it is more like the Wild West than ever.
Think about your end.
1) A catastrophic apocalypse. Let's think not human planned, ordained, or orchestrated. This is unforeseeable for most scenarios ( unless you are in one of the many Hollywood dramas about asteroids headed to earth or core overheating, even then you only have 24 hours (actually 1.5 hours in film time)). Considering the paradox that the world hasn't actually ended and we have no actual frame of reference, it gets tricky when talking about the natural disasters, the asteroids, the earthquakes and all other catastrophic events.
2. Consider for a moment... what kind of "end of the world" do you envision? It is remarkable how many people believe the world will end while they are still alive. Some think it is full destruction, that is fatalistic and a form of nihilism. Some think it will go up in the flame and smoke of Armageddon to be purified and realized in a truer form. Some think that we are working everyday against the evil and towards an immediate spiritual wellness and balance of the world, without the big boom. Some think aliens will either cause the end or save us from it. Some think environment holocaust will melt us all in due time. Some prophesy the end through numbers, stars, calendars, personal possession of another entity, divine message, and signs all around us. Some think nuclear holocaust will melt us all, sound familiar? Some think God will judge us, deliver the good and punish the evil. There could be a flood, who knows, but that God did promise not to again. But there are other gods and Gods, so don't be fooled by the Euro-Christian version of the end days.
3. We hear about the end all the time!! The news today, which is what I like to call low-cal or low-content entertainment, it really could just flash some headlines in 5-10 minutes and be done with it. Yet we see the news drag on and on and on. Panel of experts here who give us no new or substantial views. Their rhetoric is all about speculation, skepticism, assuming the worst or most simplistic answers, and a kind of self deprecation/promotion that curtails either into elite egotism or purposeful self-victimization. Left and right, conservative and liberal, and they all sound alike. We are all familiar with it. The swishing noise of some terrifying slide coming into view, the voice over of dastardly and sensationalized visions of danger, terror, and dissolution. This is on all reputable stations, and it leaks into the minds of every person. I'm not considering a conspiracy. No, rather, this is a culture.
4. My end. My end is like the book Z for Zacharia. I read that book in 8th grade and it has always stuck with me. It was horrifying to read, to imagine. An uncertain holocaust, maybe nuclear, maybe environmental. It is deadly and has a contaminative quality. It spreads, but cannot clear away all life. Many die, in fact most die. Then people revert to homesteading, mistrust, and bartering. This means relying on people, but protecting yourself. Possessions that held value before, don't anymore. No electricity, that is until people get together and find a way to do it on a local level since infrastructure and power companies don't exist anymore. You grow your own food. Ride horses, motorcycles and bikes. Gas is there but scarce so you ration it. There are no zombies in my end. Just plain old people and lots of dead people. No government, nothing. We teach each other. No one was sterilized, so we can repopulate, carefully. We can become strict breeders, to ensure survival. Everyone has a gun, because it is more like the Wild West than ever.
Think about your end.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Give and Take: I'm going to be a recent graduate
I am a very lucky person, that is when it comes to education. I have been blessed with the support and mentorship I've been given by professors, other students, graduate students, and family. Not many people I talk to have had the positive kind of experience I've had. I'm ready to leave though. I'm ready to get away from it, for a while.
Graduation:
Apply for graduation... done
Buy gown and hat...
Clear with admissions...
Defend thesis...
Exams...
Finish thesis...
Get jobs...
Have back up $$... done
Internship...
Just breathe...
Keep going...
Leave pessimism at the door...
Make a curriculum vitae...
Navigate possible relocation...
Open savings account...
Plan graduation party...
Quit at LRAPA...
Review graduate programs for 09-10 or 10-11
Save money for doomsday...
Take GREs...
Undertake filing all school notes...
Vent about everything...
Walk down that aisle...
Xerox important files for later...
Yell and stomp with frustration about moving on...
Zoom into the vast unknown...
Reality is... I gave very little compared to what I've taken. UO has given me so much. I want more. Help me prepare for this next step!!! The job hunting, the relocating, the budget balancing, the anxiety. There is very little that helps someone find who they are, what they are meant to do, and where they will find themselves in the near future. There are programs, seminars, fairs, practice interviews, classes, and walk in hours for preparing for the big bad world as a soon to be graduate. But none of it feels like it fills that void of anxiety and uncertainty.
I am hoping for a chance in my future to be many things. I leave doors open to all types of jobs. I would hate to be a recent graduate and experience those months of jobless lull. I know there are people out there being laid off who deserve jobs more. It isn't a good reason to stay in school, especially if I don't know what I want. I could work in a museum, be an artist, do historic preservation, anything creative, to do with books, about writing, project planning, etc. What I'm really afraid of is things not going smoothly. No direct path from here to there is clear, and I want to control it. I want to make it go smoothly and perfectly and have us slip from this life seamlessly into a new one. I am flexible on what kind of new life.
Confidence is a fickle thing. It comes naturally, blooming full and bright. The tide turns and the shade comes, and that confidence weeps and falters, it wilts and shies. My confidence is positive and bubbly and leaps me forward by miles. I can conquer stray problems with a tickle of my eyes and all is good. But there are days... These days are bad. I can weep over the littlest thing, and my confidence cowers, overcome by emotional fear and irrational thoughts. How can you stay positive when you think about all the things that could go wrong. To tell you the truth, the only thing that makes me ever feel better is just when my confidence returns. There is no change of events, change of direction, but only the tide changes yet again. The days seem brighter and the load less burdensome.
I am going to be a graduate. I will have a degree and no job. I will be among thousands, competing with thousands. But my confidence says my path is wholly unlike all others. Trust that.
Graduation:
Apply for graduation... done
Buy gown and hat...
Clear with admissions...
Defend thesis...
Exams...
Finish thesis...
Get jobs...
Have back up $$... done
Internship...
Just breathe...
Keep going...
Leave pessimism at the door...
Make a curriculum vitae...
Navigate possible relocation...
Open savings account...
Plan graduation party...
Quit at LRAPA...
Review graduate programs for 09-10 or 10-11
Save money for doomsday...
Take GREs...
Undertake filing all school notes...
Vent about everything...
Walk down that aisle...
Xerox important files for later...
Yell and stomp with frustration about moving on...
Zoom into the vast unknown...
Reality is... I gave very little compared to what I've taken. UO has given me so much. I want more. Help me prepare for this next step!!! The job hunting, the relocating, the budget balancing, the anxiety. There is very little that helps someone find who they are, what they are meant to do, and where they will find themselves in the near future. There are programs, seminars, fairs, practice interviews, classes, and walk in hours for preparing for the big bad world as a soon to be graduate. But none of it feels like it fills that void of anxiety and uncertainty.
I am hoping for a chance in my future to be many things. I leave doors open to all types of jobs. I would hate to be a recent graduate and experience those months of jobless lull. I know there are people out there being laid off who deserve jobs more. It isn't a good reason to stay in school, especially if I don't know what I want. I could work in a museum, be an artist, do historic preservation, anything creative, to do with books, about writing, project planning, etc. What I'm really afraid of is things not going smoothly. No direct path from here to there is clear, and I want to control it. I want to make it go smoothly and perfectly and have us slip from this life seamlessly into a new one. I am flexible on what kind of new life.
Confidence is a fickle thing. It comes naturally, blooming full and bright. The tide turns and the shade comes, and that confidence weeps and falters, it wilts and shies. My confidence is positive and bubbly and leaps me forward by miles. I can conquer stray problems with a tickle of my eyes and all is good. But there are days... These days are bad. I can weep over the littlest thing, and my confidence cowers, overcome by emotional fear and irrational thoughts. How can you stay positive when you think about all the things that could go wrong. To tell you the truth, the only thing that makes me ever feel better is just when my confidence returns. There is no change of events, change of direction, but only the tide changes yet again. The days seem brighter and the load less burdensome.
I am going to be a graduate. I will have a degree and no job. I will be among thousands, competing with thousands. But my confidence says my path is wholly unlike all others. Trust that.
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