Spinning Plates

To be me, you'd have to spin plates like a busy carny. You'd need to posses an overactive mind. One that has no shut off switch. You would need to love your family but love yourself. You'd need to know how to say no. Now I'm never ever perfect. In fact, I often have moments that I think about endlessly with regret and unease until a new moment comes along. I have two people in this world who love that about me and forgive me without thinking and who understand my mind and my heart. I'm lucky to have them.

I have to have control. I've always been someone that had to have her bed made, her things in order, and then my mind could relax. I don't think this is a bad thing. In fact, I love this about myself. Sometimes it's a burden and I obsess over minute details when I could be stress-free and over it.

I see all the people around me and the degrees of control that they have over their lives. I realize more and more what I want. I realize more than anything else what I don't want. That's what they should ask kids when they graduate. You just finished high school/college and now that you have your GED/diploma/degree. You have this whole life ahead of you... what don't you want to be when you grow up? I bet kids all over the world know the answer to that. Really it's what people should steer away from that people should focus on.

I found myself comparing myself to students from my high school. I had a dream when I was a freshman in high school to be valedictorian. I wasn't, to say the least, but I'm ok with that. I think I had forgotten that was my goal by the end anyhow. But then I enter college. I was a juggernaut and nothing could've stopped me. However, I can tell you honestly that the stress of that lifestyle made me gain weight, and so it's a bittersweet thing to dream about the spinning plate that is my scholastic future. I think of how I could be perceived by other former classmates. The anonymity of college with wonderful. And lonely. I could've have had parties and hang outs. I chose not to. I had good friends and people I met in college that I keep vaguely in touch with. But it's not their opinion that I'm scared for. Why people from high school then? Well I think I have this super power. My inner "me" can take the form of any person. It can taunt and judge and lie and give me endless hell about my weight-gain, about my degree, about the short snippits that are my life on my facebook profile. What if I'm a mother? Would I be seen as wasting my degree? Why would anyone care? Well the obvious answer is that I tricked myself AGAIN.

I haven't keep any or many friends from high school. Why? Well, people make mistakes and people make bad choices. People made fun of me, said bad things about me, held harsh feelings against me, and I did the same to other people. So now, instead of facing some humiliating and terrible memories I just say "I hate that person" or judge the imaginary life they have that I've thought up in my head. But I don't really know them do I? I was thinking about a high school reunion. I thought of what it could be like. I know many people change physically. Many people change personality-wise. Many people's lives have dramatically changed by way of trauma or blessing. I'm with Kris now. And I know that he has changed. He's funny and outgoing and gentle and he'll look you in the eyes. I am still feisty, but I have confidence overflowing and enough insecurities to counteract it. I have ideals, a solid lifestyle, and thoroughly thought through values. I actually sat down and thought of the things and people I do and don't want in my life. I have dreams and I have plates. I have these spinning plates and what people don't know is how easy it is to screw it all up. What people see is me, the carny freak show, spinning those plates. They want me to drop them as much as they want me to keep them up. Those plates are my dreams about having a baby, about having a healthy home, about a beautiful supportive marriage, about a career as a scholar and librarian, as a spiritual and intellectual woman. And people will see me, not those nameless plates. That scares me. I'm afraid they'll judge me too quickly and too harshly. And I know I will watch people with their plates and judge them lightning fast and without cause. Thinking about high school makes me feel like I'm in it all over again. What I really think about my life is how awesome I'm doing and how I am needing less and less outside approval. I am realizing the only opinion that matters about my life is mine and I must fight for it.

I think I'm ready to be done running from ghosts. I'm ready to fight my demons and love myself no matter what and no matter who.