Pathes

Sometimes I think I'm just on a different life path, living a parallel life to infinite other options. In other universes I am dead. Some I am skinny. Some I am healthy and happy. Some I am nowhere near as intelligent as I prize today. The list goes on, because it is of course infinite. Does that make this life, this universe meaningless?

Sometimes I think I flash to another me, a me as an artist, a me as an actress, a me as a mind-blowing writer. What am I in this world? When people hear me think this out loud, they think I am not being confident. Perhaps, but I have a feeling I am above the self-deprecation they imagine. The whole point of my questions is actually that I believe I could do those things- except for perhaps being a writer. I feel like writing is a gift. A gift I just don't have. I also hate most of what I write, so I don't trust my own judgment.

In the end, I am a creature of flair and adventure concerning trying new things, but I am primarily, whole-heartedly, unwaveringly, and intentionally a creature of self-promotion only in the fields, studies, skills, and venture I have been commended in by others. I'm a people pleaser through and through. But I don't think that way, not at all actually. The reasons for my decisions is always in the back of my head though, and I know I stick with those who do give me praise because I will continue to work to prove myself. It isn't all bad, in the end I challenge myself beyond what I thought possible for myself.

Unfortunately, I have about a thousand things I would like to do. And like my mother told me, it won't be thinking up one idea to follow, it will be choosing one from the many I come up with. Another quote I love is "God my brilliance is becoming somewhat of a burden now." I pray for brilliance, and when I get it, it comes with a price. That price most often is because I take on too much, but yet again, I surprise myself. I have yet to drop the ball. People think that is great. I think, "Shit, if not this- what?" The precedent isn't there. I set the bar high and meet it, so maybe I can do this. But I'll wait for that day when I mistep.

I'm ready to fuck things up, make mistakes and learn from it. Has anyone ever asked for that? I want life to its fullest and completest and dearest state of complicated ups and downs. We'll see what is in store for me soon enough because life keeps happening.