When they lie, it makes me mad

I revert to a child's expression of anger sometimes. Tantrums. Stomping. Growling.

Needless to say, I entered a research award contest. They postponed to "reveal date" from March 1 to March 13, but really meant "sometime around after the 13th." So the 14th came... nothing. Sunday the 15th will procure much the same. Then Monday will come...

I hate this waiting because it is a huge distraction for my tasks at hand. MY HONORS THESIS! I must get back to work despite my childish frustration.

I actually watched the mail lady put the mail in the boxes, stalking her to see when I could go down and retrieve my... Nothing! That's just life huh?

I wish that life were more like my deadlines. There is no wiggle room. The day its due is the day I turn it in. I expect the same from others. How disappointing that the world expects 100% and gives back a paltry 50% just cause it felt like it.

The rain doesn't help, it makes misery wetter and danker. But really part of my misery is a severe anxiety about completing my thesis perfectly. Every letter, phrase, passage, and citation absolutely perfect. HA! That right. HA! So this so-called draft is really setting the standard of a final, and so then my final will be the standard of a professional publication. I doubt that I can do that sometimes, but I continue to surprise myself as well, so what do I know?

The thesis is in the works. I have maybe 30 pages, and usable pages about 20. I plan to write 70 pages, then cut back on them all. I am fashioning sections of the paper to allow for a better revision.

I HATE REVISIONS btw. I hate going back over looking for typos, reading out loud, rewriting. That process of revision and drafting is miserable and necessary. So then the fact that I hate it does not surprise me, but the fact that I can write it at all does.

Cheers to "almost" making it, with always the hope that you will make it all the way. So I don't let on to my profs the situation, and feign a confidence I think I am now even beginning to believe. Maybe that's a good sign.

I believe in fairies, I do! I do!