Anorexic Aliens on a Drug Trip

Have you ever wondered why aliens look like humans? It has always bugged me. They are like monstrous representations of humans really. They are just like angels, zombies, vampires, witches, meremaids. They aren’t considered human, but they have human attributes such as thought, speech, and appearance. It really bugs me.

First of all, all aliens are assumed to think like us. They think, “Oh, look at these people. We want to conquer and destroy them for some irrational reason.” They are either carnivorous beasts with rows of razor sharp teeth oozing with alien spital. Or they are ancient beings of infinite wisdom and kindness. My beef is with the appearance of aliens. Little green men? Really?

Ok, here are my issues:

1) Starting with the feet. They have arches, balls, and ankles for God’s sake. They walk on two legs. Why aren’t aliens just microbes? Do people writing fiction and producing movies think microbes or bugs are just not menacing enough? Because I fucking formicate when I see bugs. (Formication- that feeling of bugs all over you).

2) The arms and legs. They are just like a humans. Monkeys and apes are the closest in nature to being like a human. Yes lots of mammals have two hands, two feet, two arms, and two legs, but really, the grotesque nature of the gnarly, naked, blackened, and slimy alien. Just not believable. It looks more like a neglected feral human legend. We just gave him/her a space ship.

3) And another thing. We give them credit for the technology far beyond our own capablities. This is hard to justify when they drool. They drool, they have freakishly long nails and toenails, and they eat people. What’s up with that? Not to project propriety and civility or whatever on these faking aliens, but it just doesn’t make sense. Special-ed/cannibalistic/carnivorous/brilliant naked alien driving a space ship at the speed of light. OK- speed of light is impossible. The mass of objects is too difficult to move. Just wrapping our lousy brains around speed of light, and we put these extra terrestrials that look like Paris Hilton and the Olsen twins without make-up and the ultra coutre of Rodeo Drive (and a coke powered nose of course).

4) The arrangement of facial features. Two eyes, gaping drooling sharp teethed orfice, brains even. Since when did the bestial alien creature jump from grey goo to brains. I missed that step I guess.

5) Senses. They have ultra sensitive senses like sight and hearing. Do you think they smell better? I never saw that in Signs. The definitely don’t use taste to their advantage. Sight and sound are focused on completely, and I have theory why. First there could be a projection of mind altering substances in the last few years. I really think alien perception is best compared to a drug trip. I remember smoking pot once and I could hear my friend bouncing her knee. I could hear colors. I could see sounds- ok I was watching a screen saver and an 18 minute punk song did undulate the images- but still. The alien isn’t super stealthy because of these senses. I would argue they are less perceptive, and most likely clumsy and a little over loaded with sensory input. If you come back at me with “advanced brain shit” as an excuse, I again say when did gray goo graduate to brains. Their huge heads aren’t evidence enough for me, sorry.

Finally, I don’t mind aliens. But they are so one-dimensional that I have a hard time relating. I feel like that new little robot movie will be the best attempt. Pixar- you go girlfriend. I am sure they are girls for some reason.

When you approach an alien just scream and dance and fart and distract their huge contorted anorexic figures into a daze and disillusionment with a trippy color/smell/sound/sight ensemble. They should just pass out cause gray goo can’t take it.