To give, even when I don't want to

What do you get when you serve others? What's in it for me? I feel like these are questions that I rehearse when I think of giving. If someone is ungrateful, why should I give? If someone doesn't notice or acknowledge or reciprocate, why would I give any of myself and my service to them?

There is a dilemma in me. To not help or give to others, I don't give or help myself. I am emptier because of it. I feel helping my family and friends is second nature. Those in my life that walk over me or intimidate me or drain me don't deserve my love and service... which is exactly why I should give. I feel too weak right now the persist, but persist I shall. To have a spirit of service does not make me less, it makes me more. I feel it every time I leave something better than I found it.

If I deny people my service, I do not only punish them, I punish myself. Even as I say it, I want to deny it and pull back myself from those who exhaust me. Even those who seem to not need the help, I need to realize that I am useful for them too.

I'm not mediatating on this, I'm bouncing between surrender and self-absorbtion. Perhaps I know what is right, but now I feel so empty that I cannot imagine giving. But maybe the only way to fill myself back up means giving something I don't have. Or is it not my job to save someone if they don't want to be saved. Even as I write this, I am neither here or there. I am living one of those paradoxes life carries "embrace the world/escape the world."